why? why? why?

Allow me to allude;

When i was around 11-ish, i remembered watching this video a lot on TV along with Maria by Blondie, Do you believe in love by Cher and Shout by Tears for Fears during the 4 hours time gap between sekolah kebangsaan and sekolah agama (~ shout, shout let it all out~, these are the things i can do without, come on~, i’m talking to you..familiar? familiar?). I also remembered being glued to the television despite the fact ntv7 ran the same music video all over again( up to the point i can predict with pinpoint accuracy what song comes up next) tak mandi tak tukar baju sume hence missing the school bus was a frequent casualty. To my Arabic Languange teacher,Farah Hanani arriving half an hour’s late to sekolah agama is a common sight and when its the sukan time of the year, i would happily leave early for evening sports practice at the field just beyond the classroom windows. ( and also delighted to miss tauhid class because of untouched homework). To the ustaz and ustazah’s, their greatest dread is when theres the annual football tournament. To keep hyper-active 12 year-olds student focused on the monotonous akhlak class when theres an exhilarating football match peringkat zon between the SK Taman Permata and SK Klang Gates just beyond the classroom windows must have been an enormous feat.Usually they just relented (i suspected that the teacher couldnt get himself focused in class too so theres simply no point resuming)and the whole class would hover to the windows , some shouting words of support more blaring than the crowds roaring below.

Right, the song.

Here is Another Brick on The Wall by Class of 99, originally sung by Pink Floyd but made darker ala Nirvana. I soon established the fact that this song confirmed its place in my list of disturbing songs. ( The list also includes Hotel California; Eagles and Aci Aci Bukak Pintu; P Ramlee)

“We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it’s just another brick in the wall.
All in all you’re just another brick in the wall.”

Ok that was creepy fun. And i second every word of it.
Contrary to popular sentiment that ‘you work hard for your own pleasure’, I had always believed that all my educational goals and academic glory are the product of me working hard not for myself, but not to disappoint individuals who had spent time and effort on me trying to break. Anecdotal evidences are aplenty.I remembered my pathetic Add Maths mark and those berguru sessions with Cg Indera ( God bless him). I remembered those evenings where i sought for help from Mr Varga to cure my geometrical headache. And because i was a prefect, i spent lots of late night chats with Cg Masita and Cg Roslyndawati ( both girls dormitory wardens) and naturally i could never bear being a disappointment to them in their respective subjects.

Really, the thought of not living to expectations from those close to me does not bode with me well more than me getting an undesired mark.

Couple of reasons: one being the first in the family of five and two, i have seen it being a possibility. I could never express my awe properly at the man who had brought me up and had always been there, always resourceful and had never , ever let me down in any circumstances and i figured that was possible.You can actually become solid. People imitate the ones you look up to. I look up very highly to my old man. So it since defines what i would want to be in life, or seen more like. The dependable. The reliable. The one you can always count on. The “I’ll be your rock” . So i guess it all comes extrinsically.
Hence coming to college and discovering that your educational experience for one subject are confined in a 3 month span became a bit of a problem. Plus, the huge classes does not help matters much at all.

First, the time you have is not enough to bond with people so theres no one you’re you can actually consider as close other than my old friends.

The time that you dont have also, does not permit you to subject yourself to flailing, ailing and dragging your legs tentatively to the instructors or the tutorials office to push me. Oh yes, i need constant pushing.

You see, i am partly quite selfless. In a sense that i set very low expectations for myself, i am not ambitious, and i quickly became not forward thinking pertaining matters concerning myself. Others, yes. This is because i see kiasuism or the pursuit for achievements and objectives in life being self-driven in a bad light. I can get very unfriendly to hedonistic causes and shove me with an element of narcissism and you’ll receive a cold shoulder treatment.I know in this competitive world if i still harp on with that thinking i would never survive , or will be forever mediocre. But what to do? what to do?

If i say, i want to get an A because i want to get an A for my own self-satisfaction ; this, would never work for me. maybe a little bit , but not enough to sustain the momentum.

With me, you had to go on about with a bit more tact. The same worldly goal, but with a little twist.

Consider, I want to get an A because this person had worked so hard helping me along the way and i just had to make it all worthwhile. Thats much better. In fact, its the best motivation. You’ll be surprised at how far the extra length i would go.This way, the A that i got does not feel like a boast, but more of fulfilling a purpose.wah, hanani sejak bile jadi complicated .

And push is the way to go. Push. Push. and out come the A. If you see me getting an A, or doing extraordinarily well in a subject, or become emotionally unstable getting an unattractive 60%, there must be a third persona i’m trying to live up to.

Bottom line is, be patient with me. And i’ll reward you handsomely.Just that the preposterous fact of how precisely would you expect me to find me the right person to reward to in 3 months? Sigh*

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